"Laughter is the best Medicine", so the old saying goes.
A jolly good senses of humour by the tour guide surely makes a would be tough safari become enjoyable.
We will therefore supply you with different jokes for you to read and hopefully use.
Just be careful as to what jokes are ideal for a certain kind of tourists or situation!
NB: Don't be at liberty with these jokes as we will not be responsible for any consequences that are certain to arise from them.
Enjoy yourselves!
28 Nov 2010
God Exist
This is one of the best explanations of why God allows pain and suffering that I have seen...
A guide went to a barbershop to have his hair cut and his beard trimmed. Guides must be smart.
As the barber began to work, they began to have a good conversation.
They talked about so many things and various subjects like creation and evolution.
Eventually they touched on the subject of God and the barber said:
"I don't believe that God exists."
"Why do you say that?" asked the guide. "Well, you just have to go out in the street to realize that God doesn't exist.
Tell me, if God exists, would there be so many sick people?
Would there be abandoned children?
If God existed, there would be neither suffering nor pain.
I can't imagine a loving God who would allow all of these things."
The guide thought for a moment, but didn't respond because he didn't want to start an argument.
The barber finished his job and the guide left the shop.
Just after he left the barbershop, he saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.
He looked dirty and unkempt. The guide turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said to the barber:
"You know what? Barbers do not exist."
"How can you say that?" asked the surprised barber.
"I am here, and I am a barber. And I just worked on you!"
"No!" the guide exclaimed. "Barbers don't exist because
if they did, there would be no people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, like that man outside."
"Ah, but barbers DO exist! That's what happens when people do not come to me."
"Exactly!" affirmed the customer. "That's the point! God, too, DOES exist!
That's what happens when people do not go to Him and don't look to Him for help.
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."
23. October 2010 - Application for a Safari Guide!
An Irish Driver Guide walks into a bar.
The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants.
"Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?"
"Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"
****************
Two drunk tourists had just gotten thrown out of the Camp bar and are walking down the sidewalk to their tent when they come across this lion, sitting in the garden, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, "I sure wish I could do that!"
The other one looks at him and says, "Well, I think I'd pet him first".
***********
There is this tourist who is curious with a bar called Big Sister’s Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a park ranger got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?"
The guy replies, "I'm waiting for Big Sister’s Legs' to open so I can get a drink."
***************
Two drunk guides stumble out of a pub and are walking along the road. One drunk guide says to the other, "What a beautiful night, look at the moon." The other drunk guide stops and look at his drunk friend, "You are wrong, that's not the moon, that's the sun." Both started arguing for a while when they come upon another drunk walking so they stopped him. "Sir, could you please help settle our argument? Tell us what that thing is up in the sky that's shining. Is it the moon or the sun?" The third drunk looked at the sky and then looked at them and said, "Sorry, I don't live around here, am a tourist!"
A safari guide with a Giraffe walks into a wildlife lodge and head for the bar and they proceed to get blitzed.
The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor.
The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
The drunk replies, “That’s not a lion! It’s a giraffe!
This park ranger walks into a bar at a lodge with this really great shirt on.
The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt mate?" The man replies, "Dave Foreman."
This 2nd ranger walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants mate?" The man replies, " Dave Foreman."
This 3rd ranger walks into the bar with really great shoes and sock on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks mate?" The man replies, " Dave Foreman." Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look Who the hell are you mister?" And the naked guy says, "I'm Dave Foreman!"
*******
A guide that was drinking all day goes into a bar. He demands a beer and is denied. Yet he keeps asking the bartender. Finally the bartender grabs him and throws him out. A tourist is walking by and the guide who was thrown out stops him. He says “Hey I'll bet you 100 dollars that I'm Jesus Christ”.
The adventurous tourist laughs at him and says make it 500 dollars and you got yourself a bet. The guide claiming to be Jesus says come with me into this bar and I'll prove it. So they walk in and sit down at the bar. Suddenly the bartender comes from the back of the bar and sees the guide he threw out. Angrily the bartender looks toward the man he just threw out and says “Jesus Christ I told you to stay out of here”.
There was this guide at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making tourist truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor guide starts crying. The tourist truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me because my tourists missed a plane. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the camp gardner. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
*******
A camp bartender is fiddling with the radiocall to get park police when a divorced tourist enters into a bar, and the waiter comes and asks him "What do you want to drink sir?"
The tourist points out to a guy (dead ranger) laying on the floor and replies
Dear Sir
I refer to the recent death of the Head Driver Guide at your Safari company and wish to apply for the replacement of the dead Guide.
Each time I apply for employment I am told there is no vacancy but on this one, I have caught you red handed coz I even attended the funeral and all burial proceedings and made sure that he was truly dead before applying. I can remember you saying on the funeral that he will be very difficult to
replace, meaning there is no one at the moment. Well it's your lucky day sir; you already have found the best guide for the job so look no more.
It is sad but strategic though, that he has left us, at least now I stand to benefit as he has left a vacancy for me. For that I shall forever be grateful for his timely death. He too always spoke of early retirement and I guess this serves him well too. A deal that benefits all should be the substance of a fine businessman. Ironic, yes but death is truly very fair. Just imagine, the Safari company no longer has to pay his retirement funds.
The Safari company will not have to worry about paying me a relocation allowance because he was my neighbour and it will be easy for me to simply jump over the Durawall into that beautiful big company house. I also took it into my hands to quickly buy a drivers' licence as I am sure the Toyota 4x4 safari vehicle will also be handed over to me. And sir, don't even try to cheat me on this one because I even know the mileage reading on that beautiful machine. This just goes on to prove that I am a determined self starter who is attentive to detail. Amiable qualities that speak for themselves.
I am sure that after reading this, there won't be any need for a CV, just verification if I am up for the challenge. For that sir, I will be sending my pictures taken whilst attending the funeral and burial so that you can see how tough I was and can be when employed. As for my referees, well the same dead Guide was my referee so we can safely skip that part.
I only hope there will be no corruption as we are all still mourning. Thanks for advertising at the funeral because I could not have known.
Yours ever smiling even in tough times.
Macho Guide.
A Chance to Shoot!
A Park Ranger was guiding a tourist in the woods when the tourist collapsed. The Ranger checked the ABC - Airway, Breathing and Circulation - the tourist was not breathing. The Ranger took out his phone and called the emergency services.
"He's dead! The Tourist is dead! Oh my God!" he calls out. "What can I do?"
The operator says:
"Calm down, these things happen!" he said quietly. "I can help. First let's make sure the guy is dead"
There was a silence, then a gunshot from a Rifle was heard.
Back on the phone the Ranger said: "OK, now what?"
Honey Burger!
A PROTSer graduate has been employed as a tourist guide for several years now and brought his white girlfriend for dinner at the Principal's house.
The Principal noticed that his graduate was calling his lover sweet names like honey, baby, etc. and never called her by her real name. He was impressed by the effort and asked his former student.
"How do you manage this kind of foreign treatment to your girlfriend?"
The young man replied.
"This is the safest way. This way I cannot mix-up the names!"
End of Service!
A tourist guide was guiding his ever-demanding tourist in Jerusalem. On their last day the tourist passed away. The undertaker suggested to the guide.
"You can have him shipped home for $3,000 or bury him here in the Holy Land for $300 only.
The guide thought about it and decided to ship the body home.
Flabbergasted, the undertaker asked why.
"Why get your company into a huge expense of $3000 instead of burring him here and spend $300!?
The guide replied: "About 2000 years ago a man died here and was buried here, only to rise from the dead 3 days later!"
Thinking about his wallet in his inner pocket, he said firmly:
"I just can't take that chance. I have a holiday to go back to!"
Guiding Wisdom:
To understand the heart and mind of the local mountain guide, look not at what he has already been paid, but at what tip he expects.
**********************************
Tourist: Finally!!
Guide: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
Tourist: Do you want me to go back?
Guide: No! Don't even think about it.
Tourist: Do you respect me?
Guide: Of course! Over and over!
Tourist: Have you ever lied to me?
Guide: No! Why are you even asking?
Tourist: Will you love guiding me, again?
Guide: Every chance I get.
Tourist: Will you rob me?
Guide: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
Tourist: Can I trust you?
Guide: Yes.
Tourist: My dear guide!
After Safari ....
Simply read from bottom to top.
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